Threat or Menace? Bernalwood Mounts New Defense to Counter La Lengua’s Burrito Rail Gun

Those uppity La Lenguans have become uppity again, as the militarization of the La Lengua Autonomous Zone continues. Earlier this week, the La Lengua rebel propagandist known as Burrito Justice claimed to have developed a new superweapon, in the form of a super-sized Burrito Railgun.

Burrito Justice claims the weaponized burrito is based in the former Hunters Point Naval Shipyard, high atop the massive overhead crane that serves as a local landmark. The La Lenguans demonstrated their achievement with this chilling propaganda display:

The Bernalwood Intelligence Agency takes such threats very seriously. Our operatives quickly located the Burrito Railgun and confirmed its location via photo-analysis and 3-D modeling.  What they found was both shocking… and rather confusing:

In short, since burritos lack inertial self-guidance capability, the BIA’s trajectory analysis revealed that the true target of this weapon is not Bernalwood, but Oakland. The mega-burrito projectile is visible in this overview map:

While it is clear that La Lengua has transferred significant railgun technology to the Hunters Point Security Collective, the nature of their alliance — and why they have joined forces against Oakland and the East Bay powers —remains unknown. Nevertheless, this reckless act of Burrito-Based Arms (BBA) proliferation is a direct threat to District 9 security, and it must be met with a strong response from the Dominion of Bernalwood.

In collaboration with the Bernalwood Air Force, the BIA immediately deployed Phase II of the EYE OF SAUTRITO project. Originally developed to prevent illegal dumping on Bernal Hill, the Eye of Sautrito has now been upgraded to include a sensitive antenna array that can detect the electromagnetic emissions from a railgun preparing to fire. The array is linked via radar to a rapid-action, megajoule-burst microwave emitter that is capable of destroying foil-wrapped tortillas at distances up to ten miles. Watch this simple demonstration:

Sleep well, Citizens of Bernalwood, because you may rest easy in the knowledge that your vigilant defense forces will spare no expense to keep you safe, stylish, and secure.

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13 Responses to Threat or Menace? Bernalwood Mounts New Defense to Counter La Lengua’s Burrito Rail Gun

  1. SER says:

    Let’s not get complacent, Bernalwood. That banana slug might have been shapeshifter Burrito Justice in one of his many disguises, actively seeking out weak points in our chert. The thing is, chert is very strong, unlike the sand/mudstone that La Lengua is literally and figuratively made of.

  2. Silly Bernalites. The LaLeBuRaGu is suborbital — weaponized al pastor will swing back around from the west in about 45 minutes.

    Also, good luck tracking the payload as it leaves at Mach 30.

  3. BernalDweller says:

    awesome.

  4. Heather McNeil says:

    Are you sure it’s not just a feeder into the Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel?

  5. Kevin says:

    You have the analysis wrong! The polarity of the railgun is backwards from what you have modeled. But now the question is, why does La Lengua hate Brisbane?! Is it the fabulous outdoor solar-heated saline pool? Is it the preponderance of star symbols, thought to indicate the presence of Wiccans? If Brisbane is the enemy of our enemy, does that make Brisbane and Bernalwood friends? Is there a transitive property of friends? These are the important questions. We can count on the Bernalwood reporters to get the in-depth answers.

  6. SC says:

    My sources say they’re augmenting the burrito rail gun with a dastardly mix of Pico de Gallo and Guac they’re importing from El Buen Sabor.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    This is definitely my favorite thing going on in the SF blogosphere right now.

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