The Strange, Unsettling, and Possibly Even True Story of that “9/11 Tupac” Van Often Seen Around Northeast Bernal Heights

Freddomvan2

Have you ever noticed this white Ford van around Bernal Heights? The one with the hand-painted images of the American flag, the World Trade Center, and Tupac Shakur on the side? The van is frequently seen in the area around Precita and Bryant in the northeastern Bernal Borderlands. It’s clearly a van with a story to tell — although, to be honest, I always assumed the story would come in that nutty “9/11 Truther” flavor.

I was so wrong.

Maybe.

According to our friends at MissionMission, SFist, and Jezbel blogs, the van belongs to a gentleman who markets himself as a pick-up artist — a specialist in the dark art of seducing lovely ladies. SFist tells it:

Pictured above is Jeffy. Or “Captain_Derp” if you’re on OKCupid. Or Jeff Allen if you’re his mother, who is probably pretty disappointed in her son’s choice of conveyance. The van, which you may have spotted around Dolores Park or Bernal Heights is officially called “Consensual Sex in the Missionary Position For the Sole Purpose of Reproduction Van” or as Jeffy put it to one potential hookup on OKCupid: his “fucking RAPE VAN.”

Jeffy is a pickup instructor. A disciple of the sorts of cool hat wearing bros who appear in Neil Strauss’ infamous expose The Game, author of a book of sexual conquests called Get Laid or Die Trying and a self-proclaimed, “greasy, bare-chested douchebag, completely self-absorbed with little or no redeeming qualities.” When he’s not hand-painting “2Pac R.I.P. 4EVA,” 9/11 freedom messages and 4chan pedophilia joke memes on the side of his van, he is apparently spending his time running dating bootcamps and selling $270 DVDs of himself teaching the AFCs of San Francisco (that’s “Average Frustrated Chumps“, for those not versed in pick-up lingo) how to be a dick to women on their own. So, he’s a local businessman of sorts.

The tale seems a little too incredible to believe… and perhaps we wouldn’t believe it… except for the fact that you can actually watch Jeffy as he provides a 19-minute (!!) guided video tour of the now-infamous Ford van, right here in Bernal Heights:

So now we know. Maybe.

PHOTO: MissionMission

10 thoughts on “The Strange, Unsettling, and Possibly Even True Story of that “9/11 Tupac” Van Often Seen Around Northeast Bernal Heights

  1. The definition of the word is BUFFOON from my ancient (1970s) ‘American Heritage Dictionary’ reads: “Clown; jester; fool.” And notes the word’s Italian origins with the word “Buffare: to puff.” This dude’s obviously been puffing on something.

    Actually I am kind of relieved: I thought maybe that ride was owned by some paranoid M-16 toting crazy. Nope: Just a harmless Buffoon.

  2. ughhhh, filthy.
    Thanks for the post though.
    I’ve always wondered about this van. Am wildly disappointed by the backstory.

  3. I don’t know where you come up with this rape thing. You can try to be funny without making fun if rape. And peeing on someones Facebook page is only funny to me because the offender is left with a ruined laptop. And I did not literally envision any target in that joke. It was anon to anon. I later turned into peeing on the Presidents Facebook, getting a visit from the secret service over the act and then finding a YouTube video of three secret service men peeing on my Facebook page. Too much time on my hands. But obviously you have even more time on your hands. Or you’re just better at what you do. But yes. Rape fails to be funny. Is it permissible in humor in any context? I’m not exactly in the mindset to say yes. I suppose anything can be funny, but only if it accomplishes or achieves something good. Is that something we should all fear? The list of things to fear is really long. I still don’t get why anyone would regard me as their worst nightmare, even if or when I do something wrong. Whatever I really did, is something I fail to grasp, and if it’s your goal to master cognitive dissonance, well, at least you’re getting better at it. Join the CIA. You’ll get to see the world.

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