Bernal Isle Resort: A Modest Proposal for the Future of Bernal Heights

bernalisle

bernalisle.plan

This week, the New York Times reports that scientists believe global warming could cause up to three feet of sea-level rise by the year 2100.

With sea levels rising, we must look forward… many, many, many years forward, to envision a future in which the oceans have risen 200 feet and reclaimed much of San Francisco — except for Bernal Heights, which will enjoy many natural advantages as a post-urban island with wonderful beachfront real estate.

It may take centuries for Bernal to attain its island destiny. Yet whenever that future arrives, we, the residents of Bernal Heights, should ourselves be the architects and authors of our shared destiny. Which is why — aided by detailed maps of Bernal Isle created by La Lengua rebel leader Burrito Justice — Bernalwood has developed some conceptual mockups to demonstrate how we might leverage Bernal’s prime beachfront location overlooking Mission Gulf… for the benefit of posterity.

As you can see, the central element of our proposal is the development of the luxurious Bernalbleu Hotel and Resort near the site of present-day Folsom and Ripley Streets:

Bernalbleu3

The northeast end of Bernal Isle will be the ideal location for a premium residential enclave, with convenient access to watercraft and prime views of San Francisco’s majestic Submerged Skyline. With its own on-demand ferry service, Prentiss Island just off Bernal’s South Shore could be an exclusive haven for a select group of high-value homeowners:AlabamaYC2-1

On the west side, the gated community of Hipster Vista will serve a younger clientele that prefers a more active lifestyle. The Cortlandia Shopping District will be a thriving retail corridor, with merchants specializing in the sale of fudge candies and resusable hemp-fiber shopping bags decorated in the local style. Localsonlyville will be where many year-round residents live, and it shall nurture the spiritual core of Bernal identity.BernalIsleWest

Of course, Bernalwood understands that change is difficult.

We also understand that dramatic change is even more difficult, especially when it comes in the form of 200′ sea level rise and the redevelopment of Bernal Heights as a Catalina-style island resort destination.

Yet change is coming — whether we like it or not. That’s why we propose to look change right in the eye, pour it a stiff drink, and give it a big, wet minty-fresh kiss. Let’s begin to prepare for tomorrow… today! All ideas are welcome.

About these ads
This entry was posted in Calamity, Geography, Infrastructure. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Bernal Isle Resort: A Modest Proposal for the Future of Bernal Heights

  1. I hope the Maersk Quadruple E carrying SF’s salsa supply doesn’t run aground on Burrito Reef or the tourists in Precita Slip are going to be pissed.

  2. Alder says:

    Sweet! I finally get a house on the beach!!

  3. Chris Doyle says:

    Please leave no wake

  4. Brian says:

    Sunsets will be amazing while lounging in a cabana on BONVIEW BEACH!

  5. Whoops, I think you put my humble condominium underwater.

  6. doug says:

    Can’t wait to read “future beach front property, great investment!” on a real estate flyer.
    Guess I better start weather-sealing down here on Coleridge.

  7. Brandon says:

    If I read that picture correctly, my descendants will have prime, beachfront property in Hipster Vista. Do you think the appraiser will take this into consideration if we decide to refinance?

  8. Noemonkey says:

    Someone’s got too much time on their hands.

  9. lynn says:

    not too much time on one’s hands; someone who is inspiring community, creativity and whimsy in our unique neighborhood. i love this. pls don’t ever change!

  10. cwclifford says:

    Once you fish out all the bodies, it’ll be quite a pleasant place to live.

  11. Joe mchugh says:

    When does the “Bernalwood” sign go up? Perhaps it could be a weekend volunteer project.

  12. Alys L. says:

    Mwahahaha, I shall start planning my Underwater Lair now! Time to gather my Minions….

  13. Ben W. says:

    According to the map, my home will be prime waterfront real estate. But in the photo illustration, my home has been heartlessly submerged. I suggest an immediate reevaluation of the island coastline, since I greatly prefer that my home not be underwater (in any sense of the word).

    Side note: “you have too much time” is the least valid thing that can be said in response to another person’s creative endeavor. Seriously. The least. Even “purple monkey dishwasher” would be a more reasoned, intelligent, valuable response.

  14. Danny O'Shea says:

    Transplant heights is more like it

  15. charles091338 says:

    This clever word play only completes Bernals transition to post gentrification
    “BernalWood’ … come on? I wantapuke. That name is a Real Estate agent’s wet dream. Like the latest Real Estate fantasy name for Tender Loin below California – TenderNob. Do any of you smug, cute, clever people have any idea of how the current Bernal came to be so that you could consume it’s ambiance so casually? Who were it’s real heros and what were the battle’s fought? Who planted all those street trees? And what happened to the hispanic, black, Samoan and White working class folks who used to live in Bernal? Come on don’t all answer at once. You who named it BernalWood don’t know a place called Bernal Heights. For you it mever existed and was not cute enough. A pathetic name for a grove of trees that hide a cluster of cell sites, data links and back haul systems that allow us to be cute on the internet any time and any place?
    After this gentrification has been swept away but the next wave of real estate financial feeding frenzy…will they call it Bernal Dells?

    CB

    .

    • Todd_Lappin says:

      Hi Charles. Welcome to the blog.

      You seem so knowledgeable about Bernal Heights. That’s so cool! And we have no idea who planted those trees, or who used to live in Bernal, or how the neighborhood became what it is today.

      We think history is just musty stuff for old people. So why don’t you teach us? Since you clearly know so much better. But please hurry, before our cappuccinos get cold.

      • Noemonkey says:

        Well, I do rather agree what Charles is saying. People on this (cute) little blog take every thing so preciously. and yes, the name Bernalwood is pretty corny, and I guess cute. But why call it that? What’s wrong with Bernal Heights, as it has been know, pretty much for a long long time?

        But I also don’t disparage gentrification one bit. It’s how great cities evolve and change. Noe valley was not always like it is now. Having bought a truly beat up, ramshackle Victorian fixer there over 30 years ago, I have watched the change: old houses restored, new ones built, lots of trees and streetside landscaping, graffiti is gone, safer, cleaner. All good.

        I think the blog needs to not be so defensive when someone makes fun of “Bernalwood”.

    • Dano415 says:

      I agree 100% with you Charles! Todd, you’re a dump truck buddy! fuck gentrification!

  16. Pingback: Unbuilt Bernal Heights: Our Future That Never Was | Bernalwood

  17. Pingback: British Tourist Gives Bernal Heights Very Favorable Review | Bernalwood

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s