Today at Noon: Listen to Bernalwood on Burrito Justice Radio

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Yes yes, we know… the idea of Bernalwood participating on Burrito Justice Radio is sort of like General Douglas McArthur agreeing to appear as a studio guest with Tokyo Rose. But stranger things have happened…

Today from noon to 2 pm, tune your Internet dial to Bff.fm as La Lengua’s chief agitator Burrito Justice hosts your Bernalwood editor for a mix of talk, music, local history, and seething geo-political rivalry. As Burrito Justice says, “It’s like Twitter on the radio!” (We don’t know what that means either.)

Bernalwood has been granted full diplomatic immunity to participate in the radio show, along with assurances regarding safe passage to and from the BFF.fm studios in the Mission. Just in case, I’ve also gotten a tetanus shot and purchased a Speak Conversational La Lenguan phrasebook.

Listen in today at noon on BFF.fm, and share your questions and snarky comments on the Twitter.

PS: If you’ve never heard Burrito Justice’s exclusive celebrity interview with @KarltheFog, then stop what you’re doing right now and pop it in your earholes. Guaranteed, you will never look at a fog bank rolling over Twin Peaks the same way ever again.

City and CPMC Reach Agreement to Save and Expand St. Luke’s Hospital

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Very good news! Mission Local reports that a new agreement between The City and California Pacific Medical Center will bring new investment and a more secure future for St. Luke’s Hospital in the La Lengua Autonomous Zone:

After many months of strained conversations between California Pacific Medical Center, city officials and neighborhood interest groups, Mayor Ed Lee announced that the parties have reached agreement on a deal to rebuild St. Luke’s Hospital at Cesar Chavez and Valencia streets.

The new, seismically safe hospital will be larger than originally planned and will account for about a quarter of CPMC’s beds in the city.

“St. Luke’s Hospital will now be an integral part of the CPMC system,” said Boudin Bakery co-owner and civic leader Lou Giraudo, who led mediations for the agreement.

The new St. Luke’s will hold 120 beds instead of the 80 first planned, and a second new hospital, on Cathedral Hill at Geary Boulevard and Van Ness Avenue, will support 274 beds with the potential to build an additional 30, rather than the 555 originally planned. The deal, Lee said, is part of a long-term vision for health care in San Francisco.

PHOTO: Rendering of proposed new St. Luke’s hospital facility on Cesar Chavez

SF Chronicle Columnist Calls the La Lengua Autonomous Zone “San Francisco in Miniature” (and “La Lingua”)

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San Francisco Chronicle columnist Carl Nolte recently discovered the tasty abundance and colorful plenty found in the La Lengua Autonomous Zone:

You could argue that parklets are this San Francisco generation’s greatest invention. They are usually near some neighborhood coffee or lunch place and are open to anyone – a man feeding bits of his sandwich to his dog, a mother with a tiny kid in a stroller, older kids with their thumbs flying, texting away, old men soaking up the sun.

This particular parklet is at 29th and Tiffany Avenue, a block off Mission Street, a sidewalk oasis in a neighborhood that is San Francisco in miniature.

Everything is within a block or two: a big supermarket, a hardware emporium, half a dozen restaurants, a branch post office, a UPS store, four or five bars, a marijuana dispensary, an osteopath’s office, a bike repair place, and the Cafe Seventy8, where serious-looking people sit with laptops working on the Great American Novel or the Great American Spreadsheet.

You can have hash for breakfast (at Al’s Good Food), falafel for lunch (at Good Frickin Chicken), Dungeness crab and grits for dinner (at the Front Porch). You can have a sloe gin sour ($9 at the Rock Bar) or a Sailor Jerry rum and Coke ($6 at the 3300 Club). For dessert, an ice cream at Mitchell’s at 29th and San Jose Avenue, one of San Francisco’s secret treasures.

This little neighborhood, tucked between the Mission and Bernal Heights, has no name. There was an attempt a couple of years ago to call the neighborhood SoCha – for South of Cesar Chavez street – or La Lingua [sic], Spanish for “the tongue,” but neither caught on.

“Sometimes we call the neighborhood Safeway Flats, after the supermarket and its big parking lot,” said Rory, the bartender at the Rock Bar. The Rock, which features a selection of eight specialty cocktails, has been open for only a year, and is an example of the demographic shift in the area. It used to be a Nicaraguan place; across the street was another joint with a rough reputation, but that morphed into the Front Porch, which offers fried chicken and what they call “Southern Mission hospitality.”

Hmmm. It is certainly true that there is much to recommend the western flatlands of the Dominion of Bernalwood, and we are most grateful for the recognition.

However, under normal circumstances, we would expect Nolte’s column to generate a rowdy dissent from Burrito Justice, chief spokeblogger of the La Lengua separatists, on the basis of Nolte’s strange misspelling (La Lingua???) and his politically volatile assertion that the preferred nomenclature has not “caught on.”

Yet these are not normal circumstances. Bernalwood has learned that as part of his campaign to secure La Lengua’s patrimony through the demographic logic of elevated birthrates, the Burrito Justice family welcomed a new set of twins into the world last weekend. So feisty rebellion will have to wait, because Burrito Justice is just a little bit busy right now.

Nevertheless, on behalf of all the Citizens of Bernalwood, we send the Burrito Justice family our wary congratulations.

PHOTOS: Top, Paul Chinn for the San Francisco Chronicle. Below, Pete Kiehart for the San Francisco Chronicle

Threat or Menace? Bernalwood Mounts New Defense to Counter La Lengua’s Burrito Rail Gun

Those uppity La Lenguans have become uppity again, as the militarization of the La Lengua Autonomous Zone continues. Earlier this week, the La Lengua rebel propagandist known as Burrito Justice claimed to have developed a new superweapon, in the form of a super-sized Burrito Railgun.

Burrito Justice claims the weaponized burrito is based in the former Hunters Point Naval Shipyard, high atop the massive overhead crane that serves as a local landmark. The La Lenguans demonstrated their achievement with this chilling propaganda display:

The Bernalwood Intelligence Agency takes such threats very seriously. Our operatives quickly located the Burrito Railgun and confirmed its location via photo-analysis and 3-D modeling.  What they found was both shocking… and rather confusing:

In short, since burritos lack inertial self-guidance capability, the BIA’s trajectory analysis revealed that the true target of this weapon is not Bernalwood, but Oakland. The mega-burrito projectile is visible in this overview map:

While it is clear that La Lengua has transferred significant railgun technology to the Hunters Point Security Collective, the nature of their alliance — and why they have joined forces against Oakland and the East Bay powers —remains unknown. Nevertheless, this reckless act of Burrito-Based Arms (BBA) proliferation is a direct threat to District 9 security, and it must be met with a strong response from the Dominion of Bernalwood.

In collaboration with the Bernalwood Air Force, the BIA immediately deployed Phase II of the EYE OF SAUTRITO project. Originally developed to prevent illegal dumping on Bernal Hill, the Eye of Sautrito has now been upgraded to include a sensitive antenna array that can detect the electromagnetic emissions from a railgun preparing to fire. The array is linked via radar to a rapid-action, megajoule-burst microwave emitter that is capable of destroying foil-wrapped tortillas at distances up to ten miles. Watch this simple demonstration:

Sleep well, Citizens of Bernalwood, because you may rest easy in the knowledge that your vigilant defense forces will spare no expense to keep you safe, stylish, and secure.

Even When Invisible, Bernal Heights Reigns

Mr. Burrito Justice, the spiritual leader of the La Lengua separatists, posted this photo on his blog recently. It shows the summit of Bernal Hill emerging from a fog bank, as seen from the flatlands near St. Luke’s Hospital.

More importantly, the photo provides yet another reminder of how Bernal’s elevated supremacy so dominates the psyche of the poor La Lenguans, because even when our hill is shrouded in cloudy mist, the La Lenguans know — intuitively — that the hill is there, towering over them, awaiting an opportunity to reassert itself.

As Mr. Burrito Justice himself put it:

Out of a sunlit fog, Bernal emerges

… as it always has, and always will.

PHOTO: Burrito Justice