If the whole Prius scene is starting to seem a little passé, and the Tesla thing is a little too rich, and the Mazda5 minivan still feels a little emasculating (even with the manual transmission), have no fear! Someone in Bernal Heights is selling a vehicle on Craigslist that could be the perfect solution both for your transportation needs and your identity issues:
If you’re looking for a nice tidy truck for your commute down to Cupertino, this ain’t the truck for you, in fact do yourself a favor and just stop reading now, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.
If you’re looking for a truck to hang fake balls off the rear bumper, this ain’t the truck for you, instead, you’re gonna need a real pair of big ass balls to drive this bad boy. In fact to even be considered for to own this truck, you need to be able to prove that someone, somewhere has described you as a “Manbeast”. Now I know some people might think that’s a sexist thing to say, so let me also say that this steel monster will also appeal to a special kind of woman, and the girl who shows up in this truck is gonna bring in the kind of cowpoke who’s good with a rope (as they say).
“That sounds harsh” you say, and I warned you to stop reading this, but here we are. This truck was built in San Jose, by certified badasses and it’s stamped out of metal so thick that these wussy new aluminum trucks will crumble like beer cans if you park too close. This machine is powered by a 390 big block V8, I said BIG BLOCK MOTHERFUCKER! This truck is smog exempt, but it has never been hot rodded, it goes along just fine.
It has twin I-beams with fresh king pins up front and a Dana 60 in the back (with 3.54 gears!). It’s running a set of recent oversize tires on wide steel rims and it has power disk brakes. You can carry full sized sheets of plywood or sheetrock or more than one man-sized motorcycle in the back with the tailgate up. It also has a class 3 hitch so you can pull a trailer too. Being the camper special model it features the handy bedside treasure chest.
You want a place to plug in your laptop? I thought I told you to get lost! There’s plenty of room in the cab for you, your lady friend, your hound dog and your lever gun, but you’ll be listening to AM radio (and thank god it’s almost baseball season!) and if you want air, just pop the vents or roll down the windows and quit your bitching.
This truck has spent its life in noble service in the San Francisco Bay area and runs and drives great, it’s wearing its original paint, with some minor dents, dings and paint chips, almost too shiny to call “patina”. There’s no rust other than some surface rust in the bed and hither and yon and the frame and body mounts are straight and level. It ain’t no Prius, it gets milage in the low two digits and it holds almost 50 gallons of gas in two tanks. I have extensive receipts from the previous (second) owner who had the engine and transmission rebuilt, the carburetor replaced and the front end rebuilt and many other things.
Does it have issues? Are you kidding me? If you’re still reading this you know that you’ll need to know your way around tool box for a vehicle this old, but not very often. The only slight issues are a non-functioning fuel gauge and a bit of leakage from the power steering pump and the transmission.
I’m only selling it because I need cash to fight an eviction, I want $2,200 but I’m open to offers that aren’t too absurd or degrading.
Hat Tip: Neighbor Samantha