Housing Shortage Becomes Fodder for Twee Bernal Birdhouse Humor

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There comes a point in every Bay Area economic boom where housing is scarce and rents are through the roof when some jokester comments about renting out the garage, or the doghouse, or a tent in the yard for an absurd amount of money. (Although, turns out, the tent in the yard is real.)

Citizens of Bernalwood, we have reached that moment. Neighbor Robert shared this photo of a birdhouse he spotted on Precita.

For Rent!! LOLZ!! But wait… it’s a trend!

Neighbor Valerie spotted two more birdhouses on offer around Coleridge:

But here’s the thing: Market forces tell us that $3000 a month is actually a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a birdhouse, because Neighbor Robert also spotted a very innnnnnnnnteresting property listing in The Mission.

It’s an entire studio apartment, and it could be yours for just $2500:

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What a bargain!

PHOTOS: Robert Weiner

 

 

Bernal Pride Was Kind of Colorful; Kind of Jiggly

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On Sunday afternoon, Neighbor Leslie (Disclosure: your Bernalwood editor’s sweetie) went for a stroll in Bernal Heights, where she stumbled upon a rather charming neighborhood Pride Party in progress on the world-famous Lundys Landing.

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Neighbor Leslie reports there was plenty of laughter and good cheer at the scene, which was to be expected. What she did not expect was to find, however, was a very special, jiggly treat: Pride-themed Jello Shots!

Citizens of Bernalwood, this is what a proper neighborly Pride welcome looks like:

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PHOTOS: LeslieJ on Instagram

Bernal Neighbor Witnesses Dramatic Bee Swarm Rescue on Cesar Chavez

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Neighbor Miles was on the scene yesterday as a group of volunteers rallied to help rescue a hive of bees that had become stranded near the corner of Cesar Chavez Boulevard and Valencia Street.

Here with an exclusive Bernalwood Action News report, let’s go to Neighbor Miles:

First time I’ve ever seen one of these! What struck me was the brief, random, yet intense intersection of the people on the scene.

At 4:30 yesterday afternoon in front of St Lukes, a cloud of bees surround three men and a woman as they carefully positioned a large cardboard box on the sidewalk. The box was crawling with bees, and the largest man is gently dust panning more bees into the box. The bees were everywhere yet no one was getting stung.

One man went to get a roll of tape, while the large man took a plastic water bottle and sprinkling the bees.

The woman explained the bees are looking for a new hive. (Editor’s Note This video of the incident tells us the queen bee was the main passenger in the cardboard box.)  The woman said she keeps bees herself, and she was smiling broadly.

She didn’t not know the fist two men, but explained that they were from Slovienia (?!) and will be taking the bees north with them as they are heading past Marin. The third man, who was at one point, he tells me, covered all over his head and chest with bees, is like me: ignorant about the business of bees. His eyes were wide with shock and thrill.

“No,” he said, “I’ve never had 50 bees crawing on me.”

The tape arrived, and people became fully relaxed and happy, and they began Instagramming pictures. A security guard from the hospital came out to thank everyone.

The men climbed in their work van with the bee box, pulled a U-turn, and were gone.

PHOTO: Miles Epstein
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Neighbor Finds Vintage Valentine in Bernal Heights Home

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Neighbor Tom found something mysterious and wonderful hidden in the rafters of his Bernal Heights:

Look what I found while renovating my house!

It’s an olde-stylee valentine card. From some brief googling, I think it is:

  • Circa 1920s, maybe 1930s
  • From a woman with a German name (Jizella)
  • To a man with a German name (Helme ?)
  • Made in America

I found it in the ‘side attic’ in our 1907 house on Mullen Ave, under some insulation.

The question is, was it lost there? Or squirreled away for safe keeping? Or left for future generations to find?

ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE INVADE BOCANA!

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Moments before she was carried away by a beam of blue light to become the subject of an unspeakable exobiology experiment regimen, Neighbor Sarah sent Bernalwood this confirmed photo of an alien landing site on Bocana.

We hope that Neighbor Sarah will be back soon, with minimal scar tissue and her memory throughly wiped.

PHOTO: Neighbor Sarah

Who Is the Hunchback of Bernal Heights, and Why Is He Ringing Church Bells in the Middle of the Night?

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For the last few nights, the mild-mannered residents of Precitaville have been tormented by the sound of the bells from St. Anthony’s Church on Cesar Chavez Boulevard tolling in the late evening hours.

It happened for the first time last Friday night at around 9 PM, and it was sort of cute at first — except to Neighbor Dan, who has a little baby who was trying to sleep:

Then, on Saturday night, the bells began to ring at about 3:30 AM, when just about everyone was trying to sleep:

Neighbor Rusty revealed himself to be a true postmodernist, because he initially thought it was just a simulacrum:

But no, it really was the bells from St. Anthony’s, really ringing at 3:30 AM, and making a really unholy amount of noise.

Last night, it happened yet again. But this time, your Bernalwood Eyewitness News Team was ready with a camera crew and mobile data uplink. Let’s go to the video, recorded on Precita Avenue, Sunday, May 10, 2015 at 9:37 PM:

Arrrgh! The ringing! THE RINGING!!!

Neighbor Loring was officially no-longer-amused:

Your Bernalwood Eyewitness News Team also obtained this EXCLUSIVE Dropcam security camera footage, which shows the perpetrator in action:

But why? Why is this happening? St. Anthony’s Church has been an excellent neighbor and a pillar of the Precitaville community for decades, so why have they suddenly unleashed their covert Quasimodo on the sleep-challenged citizens of North Bernal?

We suspect it is accidental, but we hope to have some answers soon.

UPDATE, 5:09 pm, May 11: The folks at St. Anthony’s just returned our call, and they are very apologetic. Apparently, there was a power outage at the church a few days ago, and something must have messed up the settings for the bells, which are operated by a robotic Quasimodo. Father Moises Agudo asks for your patience and your indulgence while he tries to sort things out.

Helpful Handbill Helps Bernal Neighbor Recover Lost Laundry

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A helpful Bernal neighbor went out of his way this week to give Neighbor Suzanne a helping hand. She tells the tale:

Last Tuesday I took my 4 year old and a lot of dry cleaning onto the 23 bus at Glen Park, on our way to our place on Moultrie. I hooked the clothes hangers on the bar for people to hold on to and got into an animated conversation with my son.

When we hustled off the bus at Andover, I made sure I had all the usual things: Max’s stuffed animal, coat, artwork, etc, but I forgot all about the dry cleaning. I didn’t realize until I got home that I’d left it behind. I dragged my feet calling 311 because I knew I’d just spend half an hour on the phone and not be any closer to my missing sweaters. I felt pretty bad that I’d lost some of our favorite clothes.

A couple of days later I was walking home from The Good Life when I noticed a neatly handwritten sign at my eye level outside of the library playground. I paused to read and realized it was addressed to… me! Well, to “MOM.” A passerby was so taken with the fact that I was the person addressed that he took my picture in front of it. I felt relieved and thankful that someone had been thoughtful enough to put signs up for me.

I left a message at the number Jim left, he called back, and we agreed I’d come by the next night — he lives just a few blocks from us. He accepted the bottle of wine I brought, I accepted my wayward dry cleaning… and the rest is history.

PHOTO: Neighbor Suzanne with the sign that saved her dry cleaning